Let Me Entertain You
by The Crownless Queen
Summary: In which James is convinced that the way to Lily's heart is to learn how to cook.


For ChatterChick.

 **Let Me Entertain You**

 **.i.**

It had taken James entirely too much work to bribe the House-Elves so they'd let him use the kitchens to cook something for Lily – somehow it was easier to convince them when they were pranking the Slytherins – but now he finally had a place to practice the spells he had had his mother teach him last Christmas holidays.

She had let him practice the wand movements and incantations, but anything more would have broken the Decree for Underage Wizardry, so James had had to wait until he got back to Hogwarts to actually cook anything.

Valentine's Day was just around the corner though, and this year James had decided that he would give Lily a gift that would finally make her see that he was such a better choice for a friend – if not something more – than Snivellus. He was going to make her chocolates, the dark kind he knew, thanks to Sirius bribing Marlene to reveal her best friend's secret, she loved the most.

Besides, chocolates were surely easier to make than actual cakes would be, and James was good at magic. The hour the House-Elves had left him would be more than enough.

After all, he only had to mix the chocolate, mix it with that nutty stuff Lily liked, and shape it into little hearts. There were spells for that. He would be done with plenty of time left.

Forty-five minutes later had James contemplating the ruins that had once been something resembling a chocolate heart.

Something went wrong, he realized, hesitantly poking the chocolate mess with the tip of his index finger. It tasted mostly okay, he thought as he licked it clean, so why hadn't it taken the shape it should have?

"You know, I'm pretty sure chocolate isn't supposed to look that lumpy," a voice came from behind his shoulder.

James screamed, jumping in the air and twirling around, pointing his wand at the intruder.

"Nice girly scream, Prongs," Sirius mocked, even as Remus reached past James to reach the chocolate.

With a put-upon sigh, James batted away his friend's hand.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"Well, we knew you were up to something secret and we thought it'd be interesting to check it out," Sirius replied, still smirking.

"We thought that, uh, maybe you had a plan for our next prank on the Slytherins?" Peter continued shyly.

James rolled his eyes. "I was busy, and no, this didn't have anything to do with the Slytherins."

"We can see that," Remus replied, his lips twitching up. "Looks like you're having a bit of a problem with your 'business' too."

James scowled. "Not that my 'business' is any of your business, but I'm fine. This is just a minor setback."

"Of course it is," Remus replied drily, arching an eyebrow dubiously. Beside him, Sirius and Peter started coughing, no doubt trying to hide their laughter. Not even James' darkest glare made them stop – if anything it only made it worse.

"But you know, Prongs… If you need any help with this, you can always ask – Merlin knows that Sirius would be hopeless in a kitchen-"

"Hey!" Sirius protested, before pausing, considering it. "Actually, Moony's right on that one."

"Thank you, Padfoot," Remus said graciously, before turning back to James. "Peter wouldn't be much better, and now we know that you're apparently not any better either – I have no idea how you'll survive after graduation with no one to feed you – but luckily for you, I happen to be somewhat better at this than you."

"How?" James asked, leaning forward before he could stop himself.

"That's not important," Remus replied quickly, blushing lightly. "What matters is that I can probably fix your mess."

"Probably?"

"Well, I can't exactly make it worse now, can I?"

"He's got you there, Prongs," Sirius interjected, shrugging away James' glare.

"Fine, go ahead," James muttered through his teeth as he stepped aside.

It took Remus thirty seconds and two waves of his hand for him to clear up James' mess and transform it into the chocolate heart James had meant to do. Another wave and it was all wrapped up and sported a beautifully tied golden bow.

"Now that's really not fair," James pouted.

Remus simply shrugged and handed the gift to James. "Think of it this way: now, when she doesn't like it and says no to your - what is it, hundredth attempt at asking her out? - you'll know for sure it wasn't you."

"This time," Sirius muttered to himself, before yelping as Peter stomped on his foot.

James eyed the gift for a moment. It was supposed to come from him, but he supposed that the time he had spent trying to get it right and thinking of it counted, didn't it? So it should be okay.

"Thanks guys," he said with a smile. "I'm sure Lily will love them."

"In your dreams maybe," Sirius muttered again, yelping even louder as this time Remus elbowed him in the side.

 _(the good news: Lily kept the chocolate)_

 _(the bad news: she said no, once again, and Sirius laughed at him for a week)_

 **.ii.**

"Are you sure you can't just use your wand for this? Cause I'm pretty sure you'd have a better result. Or at least something not as bad," Sirius said, eyeing the disaster that the Potter's kitchen was quickly becoming with dubiousness from the stool he was sat on.

"You know I can't!" James protested, frowning. "Lily said she had learned to cook Muggle, so to impress her I need to know it too!"

Having already heard that argument a dozen times, and still not finding it any more convincing than it had been the times before, Sirius rolled his eyes and edged his seat away a little more.

"Right… But you know Prongs, I'm also pretty sure that Lily would be more impressed by something edible than by the lump of charcoal you're currently poking," Sirius replied, gesturing at what he thought should have been some kind of cake but did indeed look rather more like charcoal.

"I just need to practice a bit more," James stated in a confident tone. As he said this however, the knife he had been trying to get into his cake – the book had said that this was something he needed to do to check if it was ready (personally James thought it had to be, as any more cooking would probably only turn it into ashes) – finally penetrated it.

The cake split in two, a big crack spreading from one side to the other, revealing that the insides of the cake didn't look any better than the outsides.

James' shoulders slumped. "I don't get it. I did everything right, like the book said. Why didn't it work?"

"No idea, mate," Sirius shrugged, fighting off a smile. Now that the danger had officially passed – there had been _actual_ _fire_ , and Sirius didn't know much about Muggle cooking but even he was pretty sure no _actual fire_ should be involved in it – it was hard not to see the humor in the situation, as usual when James tried to do something for 'the love of his life', Lily Evans.

"Don't laugh!" James scowled, turning around in a twirl, pointing his knife at Sirius' face in a gesture that would have looked menacing had his face not been covered in flour and bits of eggs still. "I will get this right, you know I will. I just need more practice."

"Sure Prongs. Whatever you say," Sirius said with a smirk, holding his hands up in a calming gesture.

James scowled again. Something dripped on his shoulder – one of his earlier attempts at making crepes, Sirius believed – and James sighed, relenting. "Alright, I need a lot more practice."

"One the bright side," Sirius added with mirth, "we now know that if we need someone poisoned we can always just ask you."

"Just for that, you're going to be tasting my next creation," James replied even as he turned back to face the kitchen itself.

Sirius froze and nearly fell off the stool. "Come one now, Prongs – surely there's no need to do something so rash as that… Prongs? Buddy?"

Instead of answering, James just started humming as he used his wand to clear the workspace before he started over – apparently cleaning wasn't part of cooking and was thus alright to use magic for.

Sirius couldn't see his face, but he didn't have to to know that his friend was smirking.

Just the thought was enough to make him shiver, but James wouldn't actually go through with it, would he?

Would he?

 **.iii.**

"Do you think Lily will like it?" James asked, eyeing the strawberry soufflé he had just put under a stasis charm.

Beside him, Sirius looked gobsmacked.

"You know, when you told me that you wanted my thoughts on your latest kitchen adventure, I honestly wondered what kind of disaster area I would be walking into this time. But honestly, I'm impressed. It looks like you've actually managed something edible this time."

"Ha, ha, ha, very funny Padfoot. You know I'm not that bad."

"My stomach begs differently – it still remembers the horror you tried to feed it."

"And we both know you refused to swallow any of it, so give it a rest. Now, do you think she'll like it?"

Sirius eyed the soufflé with suspicion, and then eyed James the same way. "And you're sure that _you_ made it? No one else? _You_?"

As Sirius' tone grew more and more incredulous, James rolled his eyes and interrupted him. "Yes, me. I've been practicing, it should be fine – I tasted everything and it seemed okay, nothing exploded or burst into flames this time, which I've been told was a good sign, but I want everything to be perfect – this dessert has to be irreproachable."

"So… You want me to taste it?" Sirius asked, confused.

"No!" James yelled. "It's for Lily. And I. For Lily and I, for our dinner. Which we will have tonight. Together. Alone."

It took Sirius a moment to get it, but the way James' hands kept inching toward his pocket gave him a pretty big clue.

"Oh. _Oh_. You mean you want to do it tonight?"

James blushed. "Yes. Do you think she'll like it?"

"I'm sure she will, Prongs, I'm sure she will. But, err, no offense, but you do have a back-up plan in case your food is inedible, right?"

James bristled. "This will be _fine_. There's no need for, for a _back-up_ ," he sputtered.

"Whatever you say, Prongs. Just remember – if you need anything, anything at all, I'm just a Firecall away."

"I won't. But thanks," James conceded.

"Well, I guess that's me off then. Have fun tonight, hope everything goes to plan! See you!"

"See you," James replied weakly as Sirius whirled out of the room.

Once Sirius was truly gone, James took a deep breath, and returned to the kitchen. He had the dessert – the most important part, in his mind – but the rest of the dinner had yet to be made, and it had to be perfect.

This would work.

 **.+i.**

"You know, I really hope Harry doesn't inherit your 'talents' in the kitchen. Can you imagine?" Lily laughed, a quiet sound like bells.

James pouted. "That's not a very nice thing to say to your husband now, is it? Besides, I seem to remember you loving me anyway."

Lily laughed again, and lazily kissed the pout away. "Yes, but I certainly didn't marry you for your cooking skills. It would be nice if I had someone who could help me that wouldn't somehow ruin the whole thing though."

"I could help – I'm not that bad anymore, you know," James protested weakly – he was still that bad.

Lily threw him a disbelieving look. "You? James, there's only one thing – Merlin knows even how – that you can manage to cook, that's a strawberry soufflé. And I'm-"

"You're allergic to strawberries, yes, I know. How many times do I have to apologize for that?"

Lily slapped his arm playfully, rolling her eyes. "I'm not asking you to apologize – I just want you to see that you should never – _never_ – enter my kitchen again."

"Technically it's our kitchen you know, seeing as be bought it together," James tried to interject.

" _My_ kitchen," Lily growled.

"Fine, yes, your kitchen," James conceded quickly, throwing his wife a winning smile. "And what a lovely kitchen it is," he added.

"You're lucky I love you," Lily sighed, rolling her eyes again as she tugged him forward, kissing him again.

"Don't I know it," James whispered to himself once their lips parted. "Don't I know it."


End file.
